So here’s a tale about a guy named Derwent Borden.
His wife had quite a passion for th’ old-fashioned rose;
Their garden was a veritable paradise
(Save winter, when she pruned each branch back to a stalk);
But somehow Derwent had a feeling that there oughter
Be room in this fair Eden for a pair o’ dogs.
Darlene said, “‘Dogs in gardens’ is a paradox!
My splendid borders would be turned into a boar den
By slobbery smelly beasts that poop just like an otter
Smack dab in all the paths, and dig up all the rows,
Galumph the grass to mud, and chase the neighbor’s stock!”
She burst in tears, and showed old Der one pair red eyes.
“Why can’t you get a bird?” she cried. “Let’s parrotize!
A parrot’s loyal, it learns tricks, a parrot talks—”
He crossed his arms and stood as stubborn as a stock.
He said, “I don’t want some old bird. Why, I’d be bored in
No time flat!” She said, “How ’bout a nice dog rose?
It’s got a bark, it scratches, and it smells! Aw, Der!”
The sun set as they argued back and forth with aught ter
Show for it. Der felt that it would parodize
His hankering for dogs to get a measly rose.
Darlene’s eyes sparked in anger bright as peridots.
That night things didn’t seem too rosy in the Borden
House, and scary parrot dreams were on the stalk.
Well, Der rose rueful with a ruse to raise his stock:
He’d get Dar some dog roses. Roses usually awed ’er.
Then she’d know his darling was still Darlene Borden.
He searched the nurseries to stock her paradise,
But bad luck dogged him like a pair o’ dogs,
And all he found was one half-wilted doggy rose.
Der moped on home and gave Darlene that scraggly rose.
She said, “Surprise! Come meet King Arfer and Knight Stock!”
And there, with pink rosettes for collars, was a pair o’ dogs!
Darlene was pleased as punch with how she’d awed Der.
Two dogs, as bright and playful as a pair o’ dice,
Came wagging up to their new owner, Derwent Borden.
This little paradox—rose dogs and a dog rose—
Appeased a pair named Borden, who, when they took stock,
Thought there could be no odder, sweeter paradise.